Enough is Enough!
I should have listened to the guy who said “less is more.”
My last “blog” post on this subject was so long even I had a hard time fighting my way through to the end of it.
And I wrote it!
Lesson learned – this (and future blogs) shorter and less bloggier! J
This topic, however, still represents the change I want to help make in this world. For democracy to work, we need to be able to disagree with each other – as Americans in good faith – without tearing each other apart.
So onward, into the troll fog – to make these small contributions to a more productive, healthy society – a society that can sustain a functioning democracy … even in a world of trolls.
Today, I’m going to:
- Start by (briefly) recapping the points made in previous articles on this subject
- Add one more tool
- And then share how next week, I’m “going in” to the lions’ dens where trolls growl and snarl to experiment with using these tools.
Who Reads the Instruction Manual?
My goal is to collaboratively create an “instruction manual” for how to create safe places to discuss our differences, with an emphasis on “troll-proofing” forums on the internet. I offer these “instructions” as a first rough draft which I enthusiastically invite others to contribute to – I particularly welcome comments from those whose points of view disagree with mine!
The “manual” to this point:
- Commit, right now, to never getting angry over any comment posted on the internet, ever.
We cannot disarm trolls by becoming trolls ourselves. Never allow yourself to get angry over anything posted at you on the internet. Ever. Take the high road.
2. Never lose sight of the fact that we could be the ones who are wrong.
We cannot call for open-mindedness in others if we are not committed to open-mindedness ourselves. Realizing we could be wrong – by accepting this premise as an absolute fact – also helps with implementing tool #1.
3. Begin with the end in mind.
What exactly are we hoping to accomplish by posting our opinions? Are we seeking to persuade those who disagree? Are we wanting to provide support to those who agree? Do we want to model appropriate exchanges to raise the level of discourse? Are we wanting to simply vent, to make someone else angry? Clarifying our purpose in advance provides us with guidelines for everything we say and do – and that most certainly includes our interactions on the internet.
A New Tool – Begin on Common Ground
I’m a “communications person.” Committed much of personal and professional life to studying it. I have come to a central belief about how Americans communicate – we are very poor as a culture in disagreeing with each other.
We Americans are TERRIBLE at this. Instead of healthy, even robust, expressions of disagreements, we engage in arguments which quickly devolve into ugliness. As a result, we avoid it. We become very reluctant to express our opinions – any opinion – that might start an argument.
So often in my college classrooms, students quickly become stressed and anxious when disagreements are expressed. They try to pull the rip cord early by imploring “let’s just agree to disagree” right at the precise moment where new, important enlightenments might be discovered. If we can’t listen to other points of view without becoming uncomfortable, how can learning take place? How did we used to do this?
The answer is “politely”.
It used to be considered a matter of simple politeness that, before we shared our disagreements, we would first begin by sharing where we agreed. We would begin on common ground. If our intent is to move others’ opinions, we need to first start where they are now. Only after we’re together in the same square does it then becomes possible to walk someone’s heart and mind to another place, another point of view.
Go Fix Yourself!
Begin on common ground. We don’t’ do much of that anymore. Not only do we not begin by pointing out where we agree, we no longer limit ourselves to attacking someone’s argument – we immediately attack the person themselves! Since I must be right, you must be wrong. Not only that, but if you are wrong, there must be something wrong with you… and we are only too eager to tell people what’s wrong with them and what they need to do to get fixed.
Well, no one likes to be told to go get fixed.
It’s no wonder we avoid “arguments” when they quickly become unpleasant name-calling contests! We can do better, by adopting the “argument sandwich” – Agree/Disagree/Agree.
Have a Sandwich
Once we agree, we at least have the potential to find an open mind when we state our disagreements. This could sound like this “I can see where your concern about home safety is important. As someone with a family myself, I don’t even like to think about the horror stories we hear on the news about dangerous people breaking into my home. So, I get why you’d feel so strongly about the right to bear arms. Home security is important to me too. Let me share, however, why I’m not convinced that your views on gun laws are the best solutions here.”
This is the sandwich technique of argument. Agree. Disagree. Agree. You’ll also notice some language I used here “I’m not convinced…” suggests I have an open mind on the subject. It invites a rational response. “You’re wrong” or “I’ll never believe” do not.
The Fine Print
Of course, there are some opinions that are beyond common ground. Racism, sexism, ant-Semitism – all the bigotry and hatred we hear – we don’t engage with by first agreeing. These need to be confronted. I wouldn’t suggest we placate those whose points of view are ugly and unacceptable. Today’s tool assumes we’re dealing with someone who at least desires to engage in good faith. I believe that oftentimes we find what we seek, and if we look for open minds we may find them, but for those whose minds are full of poison, the Argument Sandwich is not on the menu.
Getting Real
This won’t work with everyone all the time. Next blog I’m going to be re-visiting specific strategies for dealing with each type of internet forum poster. I realize that there are closed-minded types who are unreachable. We’ll have a specific strategy for them, as well. But, it has been my experience that sometimes people will surprise you. If you treat someone with respect, sometimes … sometimes … they respond with respect. This is the beginning of changing culture – the first volley in the disarming of trolls – not by out-insulting them, but by “becoming the change we want to see in the world”.
Those who seek battles, take heart – we’ll have tools in our instruction manual for combat too, but the real “war” is to seek truth, and the Argument Sandwich gives us a way to express, and hear, different opinions than ours without having to feel like we somehow “lost” if we do what intelligent people do when faced with new evidence and valid argument – change our minds.
Same Time. Same Channel.
Next week, I hope to use our toolkit in a variety of internet forums and share my experiences. Wish me luck. In the meantime, don’t agree to disagree. Disagree without being disagreeable!